Packing

I finally have prety much all my clothes packed and it is a really good feeling. I also decided that I might need some magazines to reference to, and in case I get bored, so I picked out the ones I want to bring. I also got my few items of decor packed (picture frames, wall plaques). Jade came over for dinner last night. Man, he never ceases to make me laugh. He told that I am a hoarder and that there is good sushi at Fred Meyer. It was great to see him again. I told him to call me in California because I will miss him. Being around Jade always puts things into perspective for me and I'm not exactly sure why. I think maybe it is that he is so different from anyone I spend time with. He might not ever get to be a massage therapist in Jackson like he wants to be. He might not ever be able to get married and have a family. He as taught me to be patient and be more loving. He really cracks me up though and I love it. Courtney, Bitsy, and I went and looked at art and then came to my house to make breakfast yesterday. It was good to see Bitsy again, since she is one of the most hilarious people I know. She told me that I remind her of April and Parks and Rec. I don't know if that's a compliment but she said she is hilarious. I am helping Court make a chair for her apartment. We used the leftover purple paint from my TS chair. We are having problems finding enough stuff in magazines to collage it with though. I hope I can find the time to work on it more this week. Tonight S.A.U.L.L. is going to IF or Logan's sotball game an then we are having a picnic. I hope Jenna can come.  I read a quote yesterday and it made me think. Here it is:
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

Last Week

Tomorrow starts my last full week in Rexburg. Crazy eh? Of course I am stressing out over how to spend my time, becasue there are so many people and places to see. Last night was so fun, and it made me very sad to leave. First I will tell you how we spent the rest of the day. So I had this fabulous, original idea to sneak around and draw on the trampoline that people in our war own with chalk. It was very fun and we had to be sneaky. We want to do more if we can. We also jumped on the tramp with Cambry and Sidney Stoddard. They are so cute. Then we lit bottle rockets and got our mini projector and watched Red Riding Hood on the garage door. It was a very fun day. We decided that it felt like an endless summer day. It was a great feeling to bewith your best friends all day doing the most wild things. Morgan gave a talk today and did a good job. I am currently serving in the nusery which is pretty good. I am not as spritually uplifted as I normally get, but I do love those little kids. Dad has been in a good mood all day because he was excited to cook the trout he and Morgan caught the other day. It tasted really good, as usual. I wish Mal would like fish. She is missing out. Trout is the fishiest, most exotic tasting fish I have ever had. We went on our usual Sunday walk. I was so excited because Jenna came with us! I can't honestly tell you the last time we were all on a walk together. We walked down to the bridge and I wrote the lyrics to "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" on a piece of tape and we stuck it on the pipes by the bridge. It is my summer anthem for S.A.U.L.L. Plu it is my favorite TS song of all time. Basically we planed out a million S.A.U.L.L. adventures for this week. I am very excited. I will talk about them for sure. Today in Sacrament Meeting I had this feeling that moving to Cali will be a new adventure and I can't compare it to Hibbard or high school or anything I've known because college will be a completely new experience. I need to stay positive. I am actually excited to take the bus, go watch surfers on the beach, my classes, meeting many diverse people, exploring a new city, etc. At church Sister Goodwin said to me "Are you excited for college? Claire says it's your caling". I don't know about that, but I do know that this really is what I want to do. Sometimes I get very excited for the future, like decorating a house, having awesome kids, coming home to visit and remebering how much I love this place, my parents being grandparents, doing fun things with my husband, having dinner parties, working in my yard, planting a garden, finding a job I love, and who knows what else. The future will be great.

Rebel Yell

So I'm pretty sure today was one of the most fun days of the summer. Kay and I went over to Logan and Paige's with Jenna to have a wild pizza party. Logan had salvaged a whole bunch of pizza dough from work and we decided to experiment. We made a hot dog pizza, a pb&j pizza, a fruit pizza, a shrimp, chicken, ranch and green pepper pizza, and and a bbq chicken pizza. It was wild stuff. Then Logan, Paige, and Jenna showed us their "Longest Drawing in the World" and we spontaneously decided to go extreme swimming. When we add the word "extreme" in front of anything we put an unconventional twist on that activity. So the rule was, you cannot wear a swimsuit. You could wear it underneath another outfit, but not just that. Kay wore her footie pj's, I wore leggings and my yak fur vest, Paige wore a Batman costume, Logan wore an old leotard/dance costume, and Jenna wore fishnets with a swim skirt and a zebra tank. Then, Logan and Paige dared me to role up my swim top and wear basically a bikini. Paige also wore one, since we were voted to have the most "Bikini-Like" bodies. It was one of the most rebellious things I have ever done, but luckily we were just in Jenna's backyard and no one saw us. After we got done using the Slip-and-Slide, we sat and planned what we are going to do tonight. I had the wild idea of sneaking around our ward and drawing pictures on our neighbor's tramps with chalk. I think it will brighten their day, plus I don't think anyone has done that before. I am very excited for that. Jenna is also obsessed with a show that tries to trak down Bigfoot and we might watch that. I love, love, love those guys. I love how summer is full of constant spontaneous adventures with SA.U.L.L. I am not too excited to leave them in 11 days. Man, I don't want to think about that. I am going to ramble now, so fair warning. I was reading this book, which was quite bad so I'm not going to finish it, but I did read a quote in it that I found interesting. The main boy in the story is telling his teacher how his sister is being abused by her boyfriend. That is when his teacher uttered this profoud statement "We accept the love we think we deserve". It reminded me of when I was with Ethan. He said to me more than once "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the way you treat me." I never wanted to think that I was better than anyone, and so I brushed it off. I was always doing little things for him because I wanted him to know that someone really, truly cared for him. I wanted him to feel loved. I am lucky to have so many amazing friends and family members that do little things fot me that make me feel important and loved. I read a quote today that said "Friendship isn't a big thing. Its a million little things." That is so true and I wanted Ethan to feel that. Who even knows if I succeded. Looking back, all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. And I almost killed myself trying to help him feel that way. I've since learned that true happiness is internal and it can only come from oneself. Which stinks, because I want to help people feel content but I can't. It also stinks that the boy who became my best friend this year, is no longer talking to me. I'm ok with that because it was my choice but I still miss him every now and again. How could I not? I shared some of my most intimate secrets and feelings with him and he with me. The worst feeling was the day of graduation. As I walked onto the big stage at the BYU-I Center to take my seat with my viola, I saw Ethan Walking towards me and I panicked. He was going to his seat and there was only a small walkway so we basically brushed shoulders. I looked stragih ahead like I could even see him. I didn't look at him. I could tell that in that moment he realized that it was sad. He probably expected a reassuring smile before his speech or a casual "Hey" or "Good Luck". I couldn't do it though, because it was easier not to look at the boy who was my best friend and pretend like I was ok with not talking to him. It was one of those moments were time freezes for just a second and you realze something profound. I realized that the situation I was in was very sad. From something Tristen said it sounded like he was sad we didn't talk at graduation. It doesn't matter that we weren't a thing, but it was crazy not to have one of those cheesy pictures with him in our cap and gowns. It was something we had talked about. Man, I'm glad I'm leaving. It still breaks my heart whenever he comes up because I know that he isn't happy and that his last summer here was nothing out of the ordinary. As much as it would be great to tell him about my crazy life in the last few months, he wouldn't care. His friends are very replaceable to him, and that really hurts me. He has had some great friends, but he drops them when someone lse comes along. People aren't just a book you check out, read, and take back. They are your favorite book, that you keep going back to because they make you feel happy, lift you up, make you laugh, and remind you of old times. Sometimes I just don't understand people. I have never met, and I don't ever think I will meet someone else like Ethan Gregory Clark. Which unfortunely is probably a good thing. I hope he finds himself. I hope he finds someone that loves him and treats him right, and he accepts it. I hope he can see the merit in life and feel the desire to help others. I wish him the best, but he won't now that. He probably didn't even read the letter I gave him at the end of school. Oh well. I'm sure that in some tiny way I affected his life for the better. It is like my teacher Mr. Hagge said "You have noidea the influence girls have on guys. I remember every girl I've ever dated. Don't feel like you haven't made a difference, because even though he doesn't recognize it now, you have." Someday I'll find a guy that treats me right that I am not replaceable to. Until then though, thank heavens for Logan, Paige, and Jenna.  

Here Goes..........

Today is the first day of my online journaling. I thought that maybe I would be better at writing online than in a regular journal. Yesterday was one of the best days ever and so I have to share it. I went and saw Owl City, my favorite singer for the 3rd time in concert yesterday. I was right up at the front like I was the scond time and there is nothing like it. I'm not going to lie; going to a concert is rough. Basically you stand alomost all day in the hot, hot heat and get crammed and shoved around a tiny space, all while sweating through your clothes and feeling like you can't stand any longer. That moment though, when Adam Young came onto the stage it honestly didn't matter what I was going through. When I stop to think about it, I am so lucky to have seen and been that close to my favorite singer three times. I went with my best friends, who weren'texctly used to the concert scene, and so hopefuly they don't want to kill me. The opening acts were so fun. They were Unwed Sailor and Mat Kearney. Even though we were so, so tired I was incredibly happy. Then we drove to my friend Jessie's Grandma's house and unrolled our sleeping bags under the stars, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment. Here I have the most incredible friends,  and we were laying under the stars listening to crickets and seeing shooting stars every few minutes. I would be kidding myself if I didn't realize how incredible my life has been so far at 18 years old. I've met my favorite singer, one of my idols Blake Mycoskie, and in the last year I have flown on six planes by myself and been to four, almost five amusement parks, and spent time in some of the largest cities in the U.S. (Houston, L.A., and Portland). Crazy eh? Life is too short to look at all of the rough things that have happened in the last year. Last night was incredible, and it just reminded me how beautiful life can be. I wish I could always remember that.